Is she ignoing me :(

                    
                       When I msg her, she is not like the previous days, she keeps telling she is out of credits and talk to you later. But no msgs after that. I think she is ignoring me. Am I losing her? A closest friend? It's painful. I guess she is thinking this way, "If I keep msg or hangout with him, he will think I'm into him. Otherwise he won't give up on me, he will keep bother me by asking me out... so, I should limit him".
                       But dear you don't know about me. Just tell me what you want. If you want only good, close friendship, it's okay. I will be your closest friend ever. It's nothing to me. But don't hurt me like this. Don't ignore me. I don't want to lose our friendship. I want our previous days back. Please forgive me. I just expressed my feeling, that’s all. I don't want anything by force. Just tell me what kind of thing you want. Please....

Birthday treat

      
                       Yesterday I sent some SMSs and told her and another couple to join me @ my birthday treats tomorrow. Then I went there around 2pm. They waited there since 12.45. I had a little problem and that causes me to come late. What to do. Then we had delicious lunch and more fun. But she said that she wants to go before 3pm. Because she has to be her office before her mom came. She was friendly. No hard feelings. And I was cool too. No hard feelings to me too. It's amazing.
                        But after I realize there are no birthday present for me!!!.... it hurts little bit. No one brought me a birthday present. It's too awkward there are no presents for me from anyone. But I can't ask from them. It's much more awkward. What to do, I'm not a kid. She forgot my birthday present. That's the painful thing. Hmm... It's okay.
                        But she will never know what's in my mind for her birthday. Why this silly birthday present thing bothering me so much? I know I'm not a Kiddo. I think she wants me as a good friend. Okay my dear, I'll be your best friend then... It's good to be a friend than loosing you. You will never know....  

 
My whole life waiting for the right time
To tell you how I feel.
Know I try to tell you that I need you.
Here I am without you.
I feel so lost but what can I do?
'Cause I know this love seems real
But I don't know how to feel.
   - by Hurts

Why god?? why??

                               
                                  Yesterday I asked from her this, "Hey, you know, we are close friends, we know each other, so, don't you want to start a relationship with me?” Then the reply was, "well, I'm not interest about relationship things men. Sorry.". Then it was okay to me. No hard feelings. I went home. After I went home, I was so upset. I don't know why. I thought my heart would explode. But don't know why. She didn't say I don't like you stuff. She just said I'm not interest to have a relationship. That's all.
                                  I think the problem is I didn't get a good result compares to the hard work. Let me explain what happened previous. Today is Tuesday. I sent a sms to her in the morning telling "come early today". She replied me around 1pm saying "come 4pm. Because I can come early today". Then I went. But I received a sms from her when I was near to the class saying "sorry, can't come today. I burned my arm yesterday and it hurts too much." Then I say, "Oh, it is okay. Get well soon. I can't go class alone. Therefore I'm going home." That was the first day according to my ask out plan went. Just ruined that day.
                                  Yesterday (Tuesday) I went to the class with many hopes. I'm going to ask her. I was so excited. But she came to the class @ 5.25pm. Class will start @ 5.30pm. so, I have only 5minutes to ask out her. I said to her, "Sit here, we have time". Then she asked what the time is? I replied it's 5.25pm. Then she said, hmm...let’s go to the class. So, what to do just missed the chance. Then when we heading to the class another student came, she is a friend of ours. Then we started to chat with her blah blah blah... Then we saw a notice saying No classes till January 2nd!!! I was shocked for a moment. What the ****!!! Then she went home with her mom and ruined my 2nd ask out day.
                                  Then I called her and asked out. Why god?? Why?? Don’t you want me to ask out from her???
 My sister has a Ponds face wash. I think Malz use the same Ponds perfume. So, that smell keep reminding me her like hell. Today I watched 4 movies to ease the pain in my heart. But,...pain remain.

Give me strength, -_-

                  
                         I'm gonna step forward next day. I'm gonna ask her out. What to do; I can't live like this. Otherwise I'm gonna suicide. If she accept me, Sorry bro!. If she denies me you won't know. I'm gonna make it easy for you and me.
                        And I just heard this song today. I think it's definitely written to me.

Loick Essien
Me Without You

I put on my jeans and shirt and shoes the same
And I'll leave my house and show my face again
I thought that I could find a way to hide the truth
But everybody knows, everybody knows

I'm tryna smile, I'm tryna lie
I'm tryna live another life

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you

Oh, it's hard to find somebody new
When the only one I'm looking for is you
I thought that I could find a way to hide the truth
But everybody knows, everybody knows
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/loick_essien/me_without_you.html ]
I'm tryna smile, I'm tryna lie
I'm tryna live another life

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you
Me without you

I'm tryna win, I'm tryna find
I'm tryna make it through the night
I'm tryna run, tryna sleep
Tryna feel, tryna keep on

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you

 

Why is this so painful?

              My cousin bro met her in the film hall today (read my previous post an this is the same day). They didn't talk much but said "hi". Then my cousin had to leave. According to the previous post we had so much fun and I was happy till I saw this status update of my cousin.
              This is my cousin's status update - "You are an angel fell down from heaven.. just seeing you today made my day.. though I cant have you... I'm a dumbo who keep loving you.."
              Now I feel bad. I'm a selfish, stupid,... Why is this so painful??? why??? But he told me this long time ago, "Hey, if she don't want me, it's okay. Because she is not the only girl in whole world. You can have her if she likes you. I don't mind." And I know my bro has many contacts of girls and he had many fun times with them. I think you know what I mean. But I'm not that kind of guy. I don't want that kind of life. I want to be loved by someone forever who I care a lot. That's all I want. But this universe didn't give me at least one chance.
               I think being perfect is not working for this world. :/

I feel so close to her

             Today (12.14.2011) we (me, malz, another girl and boy) went to watch a 3D movie. My cousin bro came with me to the film hall. But he didn't watch it. He had to go. Then it was so much fun. She was laughing all the time. After the movie we had lunch. I lost lot of money today. But I spend them for her pleasure.
             After that our friendly couple went. Then we (me and malz) took a taxi and went to our class. I think it took 7mins to go there. But in that small time period I realized that I really meant to her. I feel so close to her now. But I don't know what's on her mind. :( this is so painful to me.

I can't understand her :[

                                  Today, she ask me to go for a movie next Saturday. With some two friends. She said you can ask from your cousin if he can come. Then I send a message to my cousin telling this hot news. He said that "Are you sure?, I'll try to come. but not sure. Because I have lectures on Saturday. By the way I'll go with my pals. You go with her. What to do".
                                  But the thing is I can't understand her. Why is she asked from me to go for a movie suddenly?. I asked from her many times to go with me to watch a movie and have lunch together. But nothing worked. But suddenly she wants to go with me for a movie thing.
                                   Hmmm... I have to wait and see. I'm so excited right now.  :)